Hevizs

Trader Joe’s Fall 2020 Snacks, Reviewed

Love these PSL wafers. The subtle, creamy filling didn’t kick in until my third stick. I like how I can pretend they’re long Cruella de Vil cigs—and their portability. Here are all of the places you could store these wafers to have ready in case of low blood sugar: the pen pocket on your cargo pants, behind your ear, one of the holes of your toothbrush holder, inside a pencil box, any available window ledge.

Dark Chocolate Cookies Sticks

These are like extra thick Pocky. The cookie part is twisty—to avoid breaking any cookie patent laws, perhaps??—and yet they still break easily. Tastes like chocolate-dipped printer paper.

Photo by Alex Beggs

There’s always a new milk

Unsweetened Non-Dairy Hemp Beverage

You are wearing a hemp necklace (braided, maybe even beaded), and suck on it during class when you’re bored. It tastes ropey. A little cardboardy. That’s hemp milk for ya. I thought Raisin Bran might mask the flavor, but nope, I ate a bowl of soggy cardboard for breakfast.

Photo by Alex Beggs

Cheeses

Shredded Unexpected Cheddar Cheese

A reliable, sharp cheese now in shredded form, but the shreds are twice as wide as usual shreds. Not sure why…unexpected?

Dutch Spicy Kaas

I can still taste the lingering, overwhelming flavor of vegetal green pepper. The tricolor flecks are visually intriguing, but my family stood around the kitchen smacking our tongues trying to get that taste outta there. Maybe it’s better melted on pizza? I’ll let you find out.

Photo by Alex Beggs

Bags o’ nuts

Bazaar Basket Snack Mix

Heavy on the dried fruits, you’ll get handfuls of just apricots and dried cherries here, which is great if you haven’t pooped in a few days. Chickpeas are a dehydrated delight! Too bad this thing is in dire need of SALT, but that might be more of a personal problem.

Dry-Roasted Maple Almonds

So this is what Buddy the elf’s breath tastes like. They’re missing the shattering candy coating of a honey-roasted nut, saturated with maple flavoring, and just too dry for me to tolerate in my mouth. A place that puts up with a LOT.

Read previous Trader Joe’s reviews here. 

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